Why Won't Wives Submit to Their Husbands (Quick Thoughts)

Firstly, I feel the need to say this is from an American standpoint. I realize what happens in our country is not reflective of what occurs in every country. Secondly, this is considered a quick thought because I haven't put too much thought into it. It's more of a stream of consciousness that I organized and I reserve the right to change to my mind in the future about this matter. But until then...

We are submissive beings. Most of us are able to submit because its naturally in us to do so. We submit to the leaders of our country, the law enforcers, our supervisors at work, our teachers, coaches, and pastors. We even submit to forces of nature (i.e. tornadoes and hurricanes) and unspoken expectations. And lastly but foremostly, we submit to God (either now or later). We are naturally submissive creatures, and that is a good thing. If we weren’t, then there’d be anarchy and chaos. Theoretically, submission facilitates the capacity for leadership to protect and serve. Ideally, they protect and serve for the betterment of those following them. I submit to you, you serve me.

We submit because there is an inherent trust and respect we give to those who are leading (in any capacity or situation). By instinct we believe they will serve us by bettering our lives through freedom and opportunity. Again, this is natural and we shouldn’t force ourselves to think differently. It is what God put in us so that we can be that way with Him. He is for us, not against us (Romans 8:31, NKJV). All things work together for our good (Romans 8:28, NKJV). God is love (1 John 4:7-21, NKJV). God has plans, a hope, and a future for us (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV). These are reminders for us to continuall trust. And yet with Him, after the garden of Eden debacle, our “new normal” was being naturally rebellious towards Him and His decisions (Romans 5:10, NKJV). But I digress. It is in us to naturally submit to leadership and that shouldn’t be changed.

However, there are those in leadership positions (in any capacity or situation; except God) who abuse our inherent trust and respect in them. Don’t get me wrong, everyone makes mistakes, but there is a line between abuse and human mistakes. For the sake of argument, I am referring to abusive leaders. When our natural tendencies are being abused, we can either continue to submit or rebel. Most of us will continue to submit, making excuses for the abuse or be in denial about the abuse (as battered spouses often do), and any who rebel are labeled troublemakers or are given another negative connotative label (i.e. feminist, black activist, etc.). And we’re given this label generally by those who have chosen to continue to submit to abuse. I have not decided whether it is morally acceptable to continue to submit or rebel, and this is not to justify either/or but rather to shed light as to why people rebel and how to remedy rebellion.

When someone is no longer submissive (remember it is our natural tendency to do so) in a certain scenario (you can be submissive in one area and not in another), it is because that person does not trust thus no longer respects the decisions of the one in leadership. It is up to the leader to make decisions that are evidently beneficial to those following in order to maintain or gain back submission from the one who is distrusting. When Jesus Christ died for us, it was evident that His decisions were for our benefit; after all, He didn’t require that we be physically tortured, beaten, mocked, shamed, and crucified to save mankind. Like Christ, who is the epitome of best leadership practices, a leader’s purpose is to serve those s/he leads (Matthew 20:20-28, NKJV). Which explains why “servant leadership” is the most efficient type of leadership.

In the same sense, a wife (who is also a human being) is naturally submissive to her husband. Not because she’s told to be, not because she was whipped into being, not because of cultural influences, but because it is a human’s nature to submit. Generally, the only time a wife would not submit is when she does not trust her husband. And again, she could be submissive in certain areas and not in others. She could not trust his financial decisions but submit to his parenting decisions. She could submit to how he handles money and distrust how he handles other women. If she does not trust his decisions, if she does not trust his motives, then she may not submit. I know some husbands would like to be lazy and remove all type of self-responsibility by saying, “no she’s just rebellious,” but with that logic, wives could just as easily with validity remove all type of self-responsibility by saying, “no he’s just an incompetent leader.”

To avoid this tragedy (and it is indeed a tragedy to not be able to trust the person you entrusted your life with for the rest of your days), a husband must sacrifice his life for his wife (Ephesians 5:25, NKJV). This is done by showing his wife that he loves her, would do anything for her (including die for her), and that everything he does crowns her with glory (i.e. for her benefit). This may seem like too much effort and pressure, BUT we expect it our of government leaders, police, teachers, coaches, and supervisors. We expect them to make decisions that will benefit us (themselves as a byproduct of their servitude). And let’s not forget that Christ sacrificed Himself for our benefit, incidentally He also explicitly commands a husband to do the same for his wife (Ephesians 5:25, NKJV). And so it is not at all ludicrous to expect the same from your spouse. If a husband is unwilling to fulfill his job responsibilities, then he is unqualified for the position.

When a leader (in any capacity or situation; except God), only makes decisions for their own benefit, it is abuse for those who submit to that leader. Decisions based on pride, control, greed, and selfish ambition (even if the leader believes their intentions to be good) is abuse. I used to work on a team of 3 with an 8:00am to 4:00pm schedule along with my coworker and boss. It was easier for my coworker and I because we had children and commitments outside of work. My boss did not have family or other commitments, but he enjoyed getting off work earlier, we all enjoyed it. Well, there was a change in policy where at least one of us had to be at the office until 5:00pm every day. This was a very significant inconvenience for my coworker and I and our families. My boss, however, took himself out of the equation completely and left the task of staying until 5:00pm between my coworker and myself.

This was incredibly selfish of him. He didn’t have other commitments, no family, no children, no outside recreational activities. He simply wanted to continue working his 8:00am to 4:00pm schedule in order to play Fortnite as soon as he got off work. There were many other decisions he made as well that were for the betterment of himself not us. To name a few, he always took credit for our work, he treated us like secretaries when we were in meetings with other people, he never communicated with us or explained his decisions when questioned, he was always critical of our work, always saying he was the boss although it was unwarranted, and he never encouraged or praised our efforts. He was an abusive leader. As such, I had a very difficult time submitting to him, because I did not trust nor respect him. Remember, I submit to you, you serve me. That’s how this is supposed to work. It is not I submit to you, and you take advantage of the freedom that I’ve given you to serve yourself. Needless to say, I left that job in less than a year of being hired.

Likewise, between husband and wife, if a husband’s decisions are not for the betterment of his wife (and family) then eventually she (they) will begin to distrust his decision making. And she will either continue to submit out of sheer duty (so resentment and bitterness can creep into her heart) or she will begin to rebel out of love for herself. And rebelling out of love for yourself is a normal reaction. Love must be poured in. Either you pour in that love by making decisions for her betterment or she will pour love into herself by making decisions for her own betterment, either way she will become better. And again, this is not for a husband who makes mistakes because of his humanity, he will make mistakes as we all make mistakes. This is for abusive leaders (including husbands), whose state of being is to serve self (i.e. they tend to be inconsiderate and unthoughtful), who thinks being a leader also means you know everything and those who follow don’t know nearly as much if anything (this is a fool in any situation, not just marriage), and who thinks they can do all things and anything they can’t or won’t do is beneath them anyway.

In the case of human leadership, mass rebellion tends to be a reaction to self-servitude. History reflects this truth. Most rebellions formed due to leadership who forgot to serve refused to remedy. And if rebellion is a reaction, then there is an initial action that has warranted rebellion. I can hear now, “what if my wife doesn’t know what’s best?” I would reply, I hope you do know what’s best in this situation, communicate as best you can the cost-benefits of your decision and how it affects her positively, and empower her strengths and skillset in decisions. A wife who has been understood is a wife who will understand. And if all else fails, I will say that there was a time when God gave the insistent people what they wanted even though it was to their detriment (1 Samuel 8, NKJV). But always remember, submission allows for the capacity of leadership to serve and protect for the betterment of those following them. I submit to you, you serve me. Wives submit to your husbands, husbands love your wives (Ephesians 5:22-33, NKJV).

#relationships #submission #womeninthebible #women #love #trust #faith #quickthoughts #leadership